Mom

 This is one of those posts that you hope you never have to write, but here I am. I have felt the urge to write all that I've been through this last month as a way to process and also remember. As mentioned in my previous post, my mom's cancer was spreading. In August we found out that the treatment she was doing wasn't working and they had already exhausted all their options. My mom chose to forgo anymore treatment and "Live her best life." We quickly decided to book a trip to Disneyland as an entire family and make some final memories with mom. Little did we know her cancer would overcome her body so quickly that she would not be able to make that trip. We realized that it was not going to happen when my mom and dad went to Tamarack for a weekend with friends. They had stayed one night and my mom was experiencing some pain on your stomach and a rash. They decided to go home. She was diagnosed with shingles and her hospice doctor said that she seemed to be growing a superficial tumor in her abdomen. After that weekend we knew that there was no way she could do the trip, so we cancelled it. We had tickets to fly out as a family on October 16th. A couple weeks before that I started feeling so anxious. Every day I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I wasn't sleeping well and everything from eating to cleaning became such a chore. I was consumed with thoughts of my mom and how I needed to be there. What a blessing it was that there were SO many people in Eagle trying to get me there! The ward put together a big sum of money to help fly me out and I had people even send me a personal check in the mail. We all felt so overwhelmed by the kindness of others. On October 1st, after talking to my Dad, we decided that I would fly out to Eagle with Masen and Benjamin, leaving behind Justin and Eli (who would then join us on October 16th.) I spent the weekend getting ready. I flew out on Monday, October 4th on an afternoon flight. The boys were absolute angels, I'm sure many prayers were given and answered in our behalf. I felt so nervous for the first time ever about going home, knowing exactly what lied ahead. I hadn't seen my mom since July and was anxious to be with her but also scared to become fully aware of her condition. We arrived late, around 11:00 pm. Sharon Thompson was staying with my mom while my dad came to the airport to pick us up. She was laying in a recliner, barely conscious. I went to her and said hello, held her hand. She was able to barely open her eyes and greet me. Dad helped her to bed and I went to settle in. I remember texting Brayden to tell him that she looked on the brink of death.. but what did I know? I had never witnessed someone's death. I cried myself to sleep that night, the reality really sinking in. The next day was Tuesday. Benjamin woke up around six thirty so I quietly fed him a bottle, gave him a bath and got him and myself ready for the day. I was able to go back to sleep around eight when I got a text from my dad who was upstairs working, asking if I would go and help mom. She was waking up. I put Benjamin down for a nap, got Masen situated with breakfast and his iPad and went to mom's room. She was so much more lively today. She sat up in bed and I helped her get her medicine. She had to take a few pills before she could eat. I sat on the bed next to her. She started to tell me about the gifts she had purchased for her family and friends. She motioned to a table near her bed and told me to bring her the pictures. There was one of a beautiful tree. She said this one was for me and Kayla- it represented the tree of life, the way that we have given life to our babies and shown the love of God to all. She also explained Jake's picture, it was a captain on a ship with the Savior. She told me that his was because he was always the captain of our ship, a straight and steady course back to Heavenly Father. She showed me a sketch of a painting she was having commissioned for Brayden. It showed him, in his white coat, hands outstretched with an angelic woman above him. She explained how she had told the artist to do one of the Savior by his side, but the artist couldn't seem to get it right, no matter how she tried. She finally ended up with my mom as the angel and she knew that's how it was supposed to be. After explaining all the paintings, she told me where to find a necklace she had ordered for me. It was a necklace with both of our birth flowers- mine the lotus, hers the holly. Mine symbolized personal growth, and hers, strength (how fitting)! As she sat and explained all of this to me, we both sobbed, cried, held hands and hugged. I could see that it caused her not only emotional pain to cry but physical pain as well. I tried to hold myself together, it was hard seeing her in pain. Her tumor had grown so much so that she looked pregnant. It protruded from her tummy and made it difficult for her to wear pants. Her legs and feet were swollen and her skin was dry, thin and had a yellowish tint. Her hair was mostly gone. One of the first things I noticed that morning was how yellow the white's of her eyes were (signs of liver failure). My beautiful, angel mother looked very sick and the reality of her impending death was so heavy. 

After those tender moments together, it was time to help her eat. She really didn't have much of an appetite at this point. She ate some cottage cheese and watermelon. After breakfast, her nurse came to shower her. She showed me how to do it. Mom was barely walking at this point. She had to use a walker to get around and everything that most people do with ease was very difficult for her. But she didn't complain. She smiled, she joked with the nurse, had beautiful manners... She was pleasant to be around, always saying please and thank you. She gave me opportunities to serve her. I massaged her hands and feet with her favorite lotion. I played the piano for her and read to her. Trina Clark babysat my boys that morning/afternoon so I could spend some quality time with her. That evening we celebrated Charlotte's birthday. She was really nervous to be around kids because she was scared of getting sick. So we celebrated Charlotte's birthday outside. We had pizza, ate cake and sung happy birthday. David and Joann were there because they had come earlier that day to say their goodbye's to mom. It was just such an emotional time but I was so grateful to be having such good time with mom. I was surprised with how "there" she was that day. She did rest quite a bit but it didn't seem like she slept much during the day. Looking back on it now I think she was giving this as a last, wonderful gift to me.

The next morning was pretty similar. I ran the kids to Logan (Moffat) Clay's house. Her mom, Gale was there and Gale's mom. They were so sweet and considerate of what was going on. Wednesday was another pretty good day. I helped mom eat. She wanted Mcdonald's for lunch so we got happy meals! She only took a few bites but it was better than nothing. More people came to visit and say their goodbyes. Each one seemed to take a toll on mom. After her friend Vela came to visit she told me that that was probably the last visitor. I helped her shower that day and helped her get dressed and ready. It was so hard to see her frail body, so ill. She still had a few shingles left so I had to help her cover those with bandages. Again, I was amazed at how alert she was that day. We even went outside for a walk.  I pushed her in her wheelchair. The weather was beautiful, the fall leaves all changing color and not a cloud in the sky. Masen rode by us in 'gator' and almost backed up into mom! After that she even got her walker and walked around for a while outside.  That evening after I had put the kids to bed we were getting ready to watch survivor. Mom was starting to feel the pain coming on and I could see how frustrated she was becoming. Her and Dad were starting to argue about what to do, what pills to take, etc. She broke down, saying that she couldn't make a choice and needed my dad to. Jake and Lily showed up right around this time, talk about perfect timing! That seemed to cheer her up a bit and she immediately asked for a blessing from dad and Jake. Jake blessed her that her time was not yet here but soon. He blessed her to find joy in the little things. He broke down in the middle of the blessing and right as he did, Lily, who was sitting next to me started crying. It was the sweetest thing ever. She has such a tender sprit! I went to sleep shortly after (or at least tried to). I was coming down with a cold and felt like I had a fever, which had me worried because I didn't want to get mom sick. During this time and for a week or so before I was having a really hard time falling to sleep. It took me a couple hours on average. I also lacked an appetite, usually only eating enough to keep me going throughout the day. I think I just had so much anxiety about what I knew was coming and what I had to do throughout the day. 

Thursday when mom woke up we could tell that things were different. She never got out of bed except once to use the bathroom in the morning. From then on, she was bedridden. This is when I fully understood the phrase "deathbed". She was indeed on her deathbed. She was very tired that entire day and had difficulty even sitting up. We could tell that things were changing. Brayden was still in Omaha,  trying to figure out how he could get there sooner. I texted her sister Jenny that day and told her that things had changed. Her breathing was different and she hadn't gotten out of bed or communicated much with us. Jenny came over quickly and spent the rest of the day there. Mom's brother, Mike also showed up that afternoon with his wife, Kathy. He said his goodbyes and stayed the rest of the day. It was a blessing to have them all there, because they took care of the kids so I could tend to mom. We all kind of took turns going in and out of her room. Her pain was increasing and her doctor Lenny came over to get her set up on her pain pump. It would administer drugs to her throughout the day through her port because she didn't have the strength to even swallow a pill. Lenny administered some drugs through her port while we were waiting for the pain pump to get set up at the pharmacy. She was in so much pain and had rolled to her side while Dad was holding her hand. She was hardly talking at this point but managed to tell Dad, even through her pain, "You are the best caregiver." I wasn't sure if everyone had heard it but it made me and Dad immediately weep. Here she was in agony, literally dying and she was giving compliments to her sweetheart. After the pain pump got set up she was immediately better, but the drugs also made her out of it. From here on out she only said a few words to us at a time. We got Brayden on Facetime and had a family prayer, which my Dad gave. We sobbed through it all.  Uncle Mike came in and got a picture of us all on the bed, surrounding Mom, our last family picture. Brayden told her that she could go, that she didn't have to wait for him to get home. We all thought she wouldn't make it through the night, but she did. 

We woke up Friday morning and things were pretty much the same. She hadn't moved from her bed at all. We had to put potty pads under her. She had peed and it had gotten on her dress. We tried to change her garments and that was an awful moment i'll never forget. She cried in pain as Dad was pulling them down her leg. We were being as gentle as possible but even that slight movement made her flinch in agony and cry out. It was so awful. We eventually had to cut off her dress because we couldn't figure out how to get it off of her and it was soiled. She seemed much more comfortable after that. We were on the phone with airlines for what felt like a huge part of the day trying to get Brayden's flight changed to that evening instead of Saturday morning. We finally got it figured out and he was set to arrive around midnight that evening. Sweet mom would find some energy to ask when Brayden would be there. It was as if she was holding out as long as she could for him to arrive. One time she asked Aunt Jenny how much longer and when Jenny told her, she said she wasn't sure she could do it. But she did. Brayden got in that night. I had gone to sleep and had asked someone to wake me up when he got there. We all gathered around her bedside as Dad gave her a blessing. She had completed her last sacrifice as our earthly mother in gathering her family by her side. I think we all thought she would pass that night but somehow she was still here when morning came. The rest of Saturday was such a blur for me, but I know I felt incredibly angry and sad all at once. It was excruciating to watch her suffer and "labor" to die. It seemed like such a an inevitable thing, so why did it have to be so long and painful? I'll never forget the way her shoulders heaved up and down to assist her lungs in breathing, or the way her mouth hung open and her arms flailed from her side, up to her face, as if like an infant- no longer in control of her limbs. At one point I had to get out of the house so I took Benjamin on a walk up and down Meadow Ridge Lane. I couldn't keep myself from sobbing. We stopped at the top of the hill and I sat on the bench. I poured my heart out to God and pleaded with him to stop her suffering and take her soon. He answered my prayer only a few hours later. I had just been in to sit with her (we were all rotating turns at that time) and was in the process of getting the boys reading for bed. I was changing Masen into pajamas when my dad came in the room. I knew immediately. He told me it had happened and Brayden was there. We hugged and then I ran to her bedroom. I could see it instantly that her  spirit was not longer present. Brayden was laying next to her on the bed and Jacob at her side. We all sobbed. The grief was accompanied by a huge sense of relief. She finally was out of her broken body and at rest. I remember my Dad kneeling by her side, holding her hand and saying, "Everything we do from now on will be in honor of this perfect woman." I felt that too. 

Only about ten minutes after she passed, my Grandma and Grandpa Jensen arrived. What a tender mercy that I don't know they will ever appreciate. It felt so good to hold my Grandma and sob into her comforting embrace. She was exactly the person I needed at that moment- the closest thing to a mother on earth. I sat next to her on the couch, with my head cuddled onto her shoulder as the funeral worker came inside to take her body away. Again, I felt relief when her body was removed. It was so hard to look at her "shell" in that way and I knew she would be taken care of. The rest of the evening is a blur. I remember changing the sheets on their bed. Dad decided to sleep upstairs and Grandma and Grandpa shared their bedroom. 

In the following week, we prepared for her funeral. Friends and neighbors visited and offered their condolences. 

My sweet boys

 Wow, it's been ages since I've written in here! (Typical first line of journal entries!) I've felt moved to start documenting our lives again due to some recent events in the family. My mom's cancer is growing again and the past couple days have been tough as i've tried to process the information. It's hard not to be angry and to wish that things were different. I know it's not up to me though. All I can do is what I can do. I keep thinking about how my kids most likely won't get to know their Grandma Julie like I do, and that breaks me. I want to preserve her memory for my children. I want my boys to know who she was and to love her like I do, even if they may not get to make many memories with her. As I've pondered this I've also realized that I haven't done a great job at preserving my memories, my thoughts and feelings. If I were to die tomorrow, would my children know how much I love them? Would they have a record of our time together? Unfortunately I feel like that answer is no. And I need to do better. So this is where it starts. 

To my boys, 

Right now, Eli, you are 4 years old. It is May so you will be 5 very soon! You are so excited for your birthday this year and you love to tell everyone that your birthday is the fist day of summer. You think that it is getting warmer and warmer outside because your birthday is coming! I think you think that your birthday will be the hottest day of the year. You want a watermelon birthday party with hot wheel cars! You are the best big brother. We truly could not have asked for a better big brother to lead the other siblings. You are very concerned with doing what's right and often like to tell on Masen when he does something wrong! I ask you to help Benjamin with his binky probably 100x's a day and you never complain. You just do it! You really enjoyed preschool this year. You were so afraid to go on the first day and you cried while you hung on my leg. But you ended up loving it so much and you made so many friends! Your best friend was named Wiley. He was a year older than you and a little bit naughty. He taught you some potty words and you were just so flattered by him that you often came home talking the same way he does. All the other kids in your class loved you. One girl in particular, Grace told me she was going to marry you! I could tell that you didn't feel the same way, haha. She was often hanging on you and you hadn't quite learned how to assert your voice and ask her to stop, you would just slowly try to move out of her reach! Right now you're really into your toys. You love transformers, hot wheels, monster trucks and action figures. You and Masen entertain yourselves for hours every day! I am amazed with your imagination. You get in your own little world and you stay there. You guys love to play with water too. You'll ask me to fill up a bowl of water and put it outside so you can play with your toys in it. We don't have a backyard right now but you both love to play on the porch out front and make the best use of the space we have. You have challenged us in so many ways with your big feelings. You have such BIG feelings! You are very stubborn- if you don't want to do something, there is no convincing you. It has been challenging but I love that about you. You really didn't want to graduate preschool because you are very nervous about going to Kindergarten. On the morning of preschool graduation you refused to put on the right shoes. At first I thought you were just being difficult about the shoes, but then as I took a moment to think about it, I realized it was just your way of trying to avoid going to graduation so you wouldn't have to go to Kindergarten. I asked you if that was why you wouldn't wear the right shoes and you immediately started crying. I had to carry you to the car that morning and also carry you into preschool. You took your raccoon stuffed animal and your wonderful teacher carried you in. During the graduation ceremony you did not participate in any singing. You yawned through the entire thing! Your dad and I could not stop laughing. You were so cute in your little cap and gown and you told the audience that you want to be a doctor when you grow up! Uncle Brayden is in medical school right now and you think that if you are a doctor you can be with him! You love Uncle Brayden. Sometimes we think we should have named you Eli Brayden instead of Eli Blake, because you're so much like him. We got to spend quite a few months with Brayden last year at the start of 2020 because of COVID. Daddy had just graduated from college and didn't have a job yet so we stayed with my parents for a few months. Brayden was living there too as he was getting ready to go to medical school. Those months will always be cherished. We had a great time together. Eli, you are so so loved! I want you to always know how much I love you. You were my first baby. You made me a mommy.You introduced a kind of love to me that I never knew. You challenge me daily, but you are also shaping me into a better person. I love you, Eli!

Okay, Masen, you're up! Masen, I will never forget the day you came into the world. Your due date was October 30th. Auntie Bree was getting married in early November and we had already bought our plane tickets! We needed you to come out quickly so you could be old enough to go on the airplane. Well, you decided to make your entrance on the one day I had wished you wouldn't, Halloween! I was browning some ground beef for dinner around 4:30 when my water broke. I knew it immediately that that's what had happened. Brayden was home with me and Eli and my mom was at work. Dad was at work too. So I called everyone. Mom came home and drove me to the hospital while Uncle Brayden stayed home to watch Eli. Your daddy drove and met us at the hospital. I was already having some pretty strong contractions on the drive there. Your daddy had a wheelchair for me when we got to the hospital which I quickly told him I didn't need! They checked me into the hospital. I had a doula who came to help me labor, my aunt Jenny came to take pictures and I had also invited Brayden to come and witness the birth, since he had never seen one. I wanted to have you without medication. I had prepared during the entire pregnancy and was set on doing it naturally. It was easily the hardest thing I have every done, but it was also so magical to be so present with you in that moment. I labored for about six hours and you were born around 10:30 pm that night. You were instantly at peace when they set you on top of me, and so was I! Eli was able to come and see you pretty quickly after you were born. We were also able to make the trip to Alabama when you were only 10 days old to be at your Auntie Bree's wedding. Well, now you are two years old! And I should say that we are in the thick of your terrible two's. I'm not sure if it's due to the birth of your baby brother, Benjamin, but you have been extra naughty lately, which is not like you at all. Your first year of life was so blissful. You were the calm for me during the storm of Eli's terrible two's and three's! You were absolutely the best and easiest baby. You hardly ever cried, you took a bottle so easily and you were a great sleeper. Well I think you're making up for it now, because you're being extra hard lately. Just yesterday you tried to bite your baby brother's foot, for no reason at all! You especially love to terrorize Eli. You chase him, you punch him, you tackle him. He often yells, "I need space!!" and you yell back, "You don't!!" I really don't know how to discipline you. Nothing we do seems to bother you. You'll stand in time out for as long as we leave you there, not making a peep! You don't get upset being sent to your room and spankings don't work unless they're bare bottomed! This week you've started potty training. You're so much easier to potty train than Eli was. You've done pretty good and only have accidents when I'm not watching or when I'm feeding the baby. 

I never got a chance to write about Benjamin, but it is October 24th, 2021, and you are 8 months old now! Oh Benny Ben! You are such a joy to your mother. You couldn't have come into my life at a more perfect time. You're a super easy-going, happy baby (if your needs are met)! You are a great eater. Recently you've been eating more table foods and you're enjoying every bit of it. You still love your bottles though. In the last month(ish) you've grown 2 teeth and you have one sprouting through! You've also started to try to crawl. You can rock back and forth and move from a sitting position but haven't quite figured out how to propel forward. Your brothers adore you. You also figured out how to wave and it's the cutest thing ever. I'm so glad you're an excellent sleeper. You've been sleeping through the night since you were about six months old and you still take two good naps during the day. You've never been a big fan of the car but you're usually ok if you have your binky. Everyone loves how chubby and happy you are. You smile at everyone, usually from behind your binky. You haven't said your first word yet but like to make cute little sounds. 

1/21/2024

Eli, you are a big 2nd grader now!! Holy cow!! You will be turning 8 this year and that feels like such a huge milestone for you. You are excited to be getting baptized. I was worried for a long time that you wouldn't want to because you've always been scared of putting your face underwater, but last year you did an incredible job during swim lessons and you conquered that fear! You've conjured so many fears this past year and you're turning into a young man, right before my eyes. You've lost two teeth this last year and you have one that's so close to coming out! One of my absolute favorite things that you learned last year was how to read. It brings me so much joy to see you open a book and devour it so quickly. Right now you're into Dogman books! I can't wait to read the Harry Potter series together. Eli, you continue to be the absolute best big brother. I'm always so proud of you. You are the best with Drew, especially! You can pick him up and bring him to me. You're always willing to help me find his paci and you just adore him. It's so fun to watch. This last year you also tried flag football. You made so much improvement from the start of the season to the end and you made lots of friends too. Speaking of friends, your best friend right now is Tanner. He has been your first best friend and you have started having play dates without me! I had no idea how hard that would be for me, to let you go to your friend's house and I can't be there. But you have so much fun and I know it's part of you growing up and gaining your independence. Masen is so jealous, every time you get to go to Tanner's house and he begs to come. But the truth is, Masen thinks you are the very coolest person in the whole world. Eli, your little brothers look up to you so much! I hope you will always cherish them, and you can grow into adult best friends. I love you so much, Eli! 

Masen, my little buddy!! Man, you drive me crazy but you also know how to pull on my heart strings! Mase, you have so much love in that little body and sometimes you just can't figure out how to get it out. You are obsessed with Drew and you want to carry him around and smother him in hugs and kisses. He gets quite tired of it, but you don't seem to notice! You started preschool at WC Handy this last year and you have your teachers wound around your little finger as well. 

9/8/2024

Benjamin! My sweet, fiery boy! Oh if there's one word to describe you it is passionate. You are in many was a challenge to me, as you don't enjoy affection- either me giving it to you or you giving it to other people. You are as a rough and tough as they come. But I know deep down is a little soul that loves fiercely! Recently a struggle we have been having is you running away. You escaped in the YMCA parking lot and it took a few people to help me track you down. You are certainly mischievous! But you are always making me laugh and keeping me on my toes. You love to play "I fy" (I spy) and "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with me in the car. It's so fun to hear you try to pronounce things. Recently you've been struggling to go to nursery at church, which you never used to. I've actually enjoyed the rare show of affection that you give me in those moments! Today, you clung to me around my neck and cried because you didn't want to stay in nursery. I felt sad for you but really enjoyed the cuddles! You love to play with your big brothers (when they include you), and you love to go on walks and ride your balance bike. You are so fast! I'm sure you will be athletic someday and I can't wait to watch you play sports! You have so much push back in that little body and I hope you will learn to channel it as you get older and use to to stand up for what is right, and defend those that need protection. I love you, Bubb!

Oh, Drew-bee! You're just as sweet as they come, and by far my cuddliest baby. Heaven knew I needed you after your big brother Ben! You're little and sweet and just the light of my life! I love having you around. You are nearing 18 months right now and really coming into your personality. Your absolute favorite things are being outside and playing with balls! You also love our kitten, Shadow. You sit on the poor thing any time you get a chance but you're (almost) always sweet to him and he loves you back. The other day you and I were sitting on my bed and you were sitting on top of my belly. You got off, pulled my shirt up and started blowing on my belly. We were both giggling! You are such a clever and fun little boy. One of my favorite things about you is your compassion. You always notice when someone is feeling sad or hurt and you will come and lay your little body on them, pat their back and make them feel better. It's the sweetest thing ever! I love you so much Drew!!

July

What a whirlwind July was!! The first week of July we made a trip to Utah to celebrate my birthday and the fourth. We left on my birthday and we were able to go to Lauren & Jackson's apartment for dinner. She had made us fajitas and a cake! They sang happy birthday to me and we had to leave, as Eli was tired and so were we! We stayed at Grandma and Grandpa Jensen's house. That next morning was the fourth and we were going to go see a parade with the Ridings, but before we left Eli started throwing up and was just not acting like his normal self. We decided we should stay home with him. The rest of the day he was SO miserable. He wouldn't eat, and mostly slept all day. We started to get a little worried as the night went on because he was just so out of it. We decided to try to take him to instant care. Well, since it was a holiday ALL of the locations were either just closing or were not open at all for the day, not to mention we were out of state so we needed to find something that would take Idaho Medicaid. We ended up having to drive about 35 minutes away to a primary children's ER! After waiting almost two hours to see the doctor, he misdiagnosed him with hand foot and mouth. Turns out he just had a stomach virus because the rash never developed and Justin and I both got what he had about a week later, (which is another story in itself)! So we went back to Grandma and Grandpas and went to sleep at 9:00, missing out on all the fourth of July festivities!

Recap of 2019

Ok, I realize it's been over a year since I wrote on this! WHOOPS. The end of 2018-2019 was really great. Masen was born on October 31st, the only day I really didn't want him to come! My water broke at 4:30 pm and he was born at 10:30 pm! He came pretty quick and I had him without an epidural. My recovery was amazing- so much easier than with Eli. He was an easy baby from the start! He was sleeping through the night by six months which was much appreciated since I was waking up to teach with VIPKID. We did supplement him with formula early on and I think that helped him sleep longer. By about nine months he was completely over breast-feeding and was on formula strictly. It was actually much easier on me because I could leave him and not be worried about him eating. In January we moved out of my moms and dads and into a little apartment in Rexburg called Campus Courtyard. And when I say little, I mean little! It's new though and we don't mind it. We decided to attend a married student ward and it ended up being the best choice for us. We have met so many great people in the ward. Our Bishop, Doug Crabtree is incredible. He's so on top of things and really enthusiastic about fulfilling his calling! Eli has met a really good friend named Ewan and Justin and I both get along well with his parents- Ashlie and Jose Gamero. Justin has made lots of friendships in the ward which is awesome. A few highlights of 2019 included: Las Vegas in April with the Lowry's. We stayed at an airbnb which ended up being SUPER sketchy! It reeked of pot and did not feel safe... we decided to stay anyways! Our mattress was literally the worst thing I had ever slept on in my life. Bree and Scott were now married and trying for a baby. It turned out that she was actually pregnant on the trip but didn't know it yet. We had a lot of fun exploring Vegas although I wouldn't say it was the best for kids. One fun memory was the night we went out for tepanyaki. It was the dinner where they make it in front of you. The chef lit an onion on fire and it scared Eli! He was sitting in a high chair and as soon as he saw that fire he buckled himself into his high chair. We all had a good laugh! We also went to a shark aquarium and to the Bodies museum. Eli wasn't interested at in that and luckily Scott took him to the arcade. We had one night out when we left the kids with Papa and Nee Nee. We went to the Italian hotel (can't remember what it's called) and walked around the shops. We bought some sweets from Carlos Bakery. The kids really enjoyed the M&M store and I got myself a shirt from the Coke store. It definitely just felt like such a dirty place and we were happy to get back to our bubble of Rexburg! In January of 2019 Justin and I started a healthy eating program called Clean Simple Eats. We lost a good amount of weight and kept it of throughout the year. In May I started doing Beachbody workouts and eventually became a coach! It's been slow as I've been learning how to work the system and how to incorporate CSE into everything. Justin and I hope to join forces and do it together this coming year. We had a Jensen family reunion in July- Jake and Kayla had just moved back to Idaho Falls! The entire Jensen family was together for a few days, which will probably never happen again! It was all done at Bruce and Cassie's house mostly. We played lots of games together and took pictures.

June

We were so excited for June to be here as we were expecting a visit from the Lowry's! On Thursday, May 31, we drove to Utah and spent the night with Grandma and Grandpa Williams. She fixed us some homemade sloppy joes (I didn't know you could make them homemade!) and we ate some drumstick icecream. The next day, Friday, we mostly hung out around the house, Justin did homework, and I ran a couple errands. We had Grandpa's favorite Dave's Pizza for dinner and then Grandma and Grandpa graciously stayed with Eli while Justin and I went to see a movie- The Black Panther. It was a great movie (at least all I was able to see) because we had to leave to go pick up the Lowry's from the airport. It was about midnight by the time they got in. We divided cars and I took Bree and Scott back to the house. We eventually all made it back and got to sleep much too late. The next day (Saturday) we all got ready, ate breakfast and then went to Salt Lake to look around. We walked around temple square, met up with some of the Lowry's friends and had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. We left around two and drove the three hour ride back to Rexburg.

October, BABY MONTH!

I'm only a little excited that October is finally here! We have been anticipating the arrival of our sweet baby boy and the changes in the weather is making everything feel real. It's cooled down quite a bit which makes my pregnant self very happy. It feels sooo nice outside. All the Halloween things are up in stores and in the house. Eli has really enjoyed learning about Halloween. He loves to point out witches and pumpkins wherever he sees them. It's so fun seeing him actually start to understand things more. He is a full-sentence talker now as well! I love his little voice and the sentences he comes up with. It really makes you realize how much they listen and pick up on what you say! One of my favorite things he says is: "Hey (Rocket, Salt, Mommy, Papa) wuddya doin day?" His words always run really close together and it almost sounds like one word. Lately he also thinks everything you say is you saying that's his name. So if we say, Guess what? Chicken butt! He will say, "I not chicken butt! I Blake!" It's so funny because most of the time he says his name is Blake instead of Eli. He also knows that he his two years old but struggles to show you on his fingers. His favorite shows right now are Room on the Broom (a short show about a witch), Coco, and Cars. There's a song in Coco that he loves and his face always lights up when he hears it! It's called "Poco Loco." He loves Lightning McQueen and Mater and takes them with him almost everywhere he goes. He would play cars with you all day long if you'd let him. One of his favorite activities is chasing Salt (the cat) around the house. Salt is surprisingly tolerant of him and they both seem to enjoy one another's company. He is great napper which is such a blessing for me. He usually naps from 1:00-4:00 (although I try to wake him up around 3:00).  Then he will sleep through the night from 9 pm to 7:30 the next morning. On Sundays he absolutely loves going to nursery. He always talks about how he gets to see "his friends", play with toys and go on a walk. His favorite person is definitely his Papa and loves to be on the "moaner" (lawn mower) or the tractor with him any chance he gets. He also enjoys hanging out in the shop with anyone who is doing a "work up" (work out). His Uncle Brayden has introduced him to the world of Harry Potter and he now uses anything that resembles a stick as his wand to cast spells. He doesn't enjoy my kisses as much anymore and has started telling me to kiss baby Masen. I assure him that I will, as soon as he comes out. I don't think he quite understands what is going to happen when baby Masen comes out but he does understand what is his and what is the baby's. I love it so much when he kisses my belly. I know he's going to be an amazing big brother and my heart just might burst when I see them together for the first time. Right now it is October 17th, and I am 38 weeks and a bit. We're hoping that Masen makes his arrival very soon because we are planning to fly out to Mississippi in November for the wedding of Bree and Scott. We are so excited they are finally tying the knot and really don't want to miss it.

August-September

Well, I am combining these two months because I failed to get on here to write everything down and it's already October! I'm going to do my best to remember the highlights of these two months. So towards the end of August, Jake, Kayla and the girls all flew in from Texas. Sweet Lily was so cute running to hug Grandma and was crying the whole time, which of course made most of us cry! I was so happy to see them and we all hugged and cried. They stayed at our house for a few days. One night we went to the great Western Idaho Fair! It's always something we look forward to, even though it's the same thing every year. We get all the unhealthy food and enjoy walking around looking at all the vendors and of course the weird people. At the time I was 32 weeks pregnant so it was a bit of a struggle, but we did our best. We watched a dog show and enjoyed seeing all the animals. The highlight of their visit though was spending a few days together in McCall. Some friends were nice enough to let us "rent" their cabin for a few days. It was not so much a cabin as it was a massive house on the lake. We all had our own rooms (and there were rooms to spare). We brought up a bunch of food and snacks and each took turns making dinners. We brought up some new games and had some good laughs every night. One of the best was the game Monikers. It was kind of like charades. Mom made us all laugh so hard when she was talking about Hitler and saying "Hi Ho Hitler!" (Instead of "Hail Hitler). I legitimately peed my pants and had to run upstairs to change. One night we did smores, sat in the hot tub and then another we ate out at My Father's Place. That same night we went to get ice cream and had a good laugh when the serving sizes were WAY more than we bargained for. One day the boys went golfing while the girls stayed home with the kids. The house sat literally on the beach so the little kids had fun playing in the sand and on the deck. Jake and Kayla convinced Lily to jump in the water with them and as soon as she came up for air she was screaming bloody murder. She was NOT happy. Her and Eli did great playing together most of the time and little Charlotte just never sat still. One morning we all went to The Pancake House and again got way more food than we knew what to do with. It was so fun being together as a family and just enjoying some time away from the world. Jake had to go back to Texas for work shortly after but Kayla and the girls were able to stay for another week and a half. They stayed with her parents and we got to see them a few more times. Lily and Eli had had enough of each other at that point and it was good to have the separation. We all celebrated Lily's birthday together with the Hansen's while they were here. The rest of September is kind of a blur for me. I've been biding my time just waiting for this baby boy to get here while also trying my best to enjoy what time I have left with Eli as an only child. Justin started another semester of school in September- he is working on an internship as well as one class.