This is one of those posts that you hope you never have to write, but here I am. I have felt the urge to write all that I've been through this last month as a way to process and also remember. As mentioned in my previous post, my mom's cancer was spreading. In August we found out that the treatment she was doing wasn't working and they had already exhausted all their options. My mom chose to forgo anymore treatment and "Live her best life." We quickly decided to book a trip to Disneyland as an entire family and make some final memories with mom. Little did we know her cancer would overcome her body so quickly that she would not be able to make that trip. We realized that it was not going to happen when my mom and dad went to Tamarack for a weekend with friends. They had stayed one night and my mom was experiencing some pain on your stomach and a rash. They decided to go home. She was diagnosed with shingles and her hospice doctor said that she seemed to be growing a superficial tumor in her abdomen. After that weekend we knew that there was no way she could do the trip, so we cancelled it. We had tickets to fly out as a family on October 16th. A couple weeks before that I started feeling so anxious. Every day I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I wasn't sleeping well and everything from eating to cleaning became such a chore. I was consumed with thoughts of my mom and how I needed to be there. What a blessing it was that there were SO many people in Eagle trying to get me there! The ward put together a big sum of money to help fly me out and I had people even send me a personal check in the mail. We all felt so overwhelmed by the kindness of others. On October 1st, after talking to my Dad, we decided that I would fly out to Eagle with Masen and Benjamin, leaving behind Justin and Eli (who would then join us on October 16th.) I spent the weekend getting ready. I flew out on Monday, October 4th on an afternoon flight. The boys were absolute angels, I'm sure many prayers were given and answered in our behalf. I felt so nervous for the first time ever about going home, knowing exactly what lied ahead. I hadn't seen my mom since July and was anxious to be with her but also scared to become fully aware of her condition. We arrived late, around 11:00 pm. Sharon Thompson was staying with my mom while my dad came to the airport to pick us up. She was laying in a recliner, barely conscious. I went to her and said hello, held her hand. She was able to barely open her eyes and greet me. Dad helped her to bed and I went to settle in. I remember texting Brayden to tell him that she looked on the brink of death.. but what did I know? I had never witnessed someone's death. I cried myself to sleep that night, the reality really sinking in. The next day was Tuesday. Benjamin woke up around six thirty so I quietly fed him a bottle, gave him a bath and got him and myself ready for the day. I was able to go back to sleep around eight when I got a text from my dad who was upstairs working, asking if I would go and help mom. She was waking up. I put Benjamin down for a nap, got Masen situated with breakfast and his iPad and went to mom's room. She was so much more lively today. She sat up in bed and I helped her get her medicine. She had to take a few pills before she could eat. I sat on the bed next to her. She started to tell me about the gifts she had purchased for her family and friends. She motioned to a table near her bed and told me to bring her the pictures. There was one of a beautiful tree. She said this one was for me and Kayla- it represented the tree of life, the way that we have given life to our babies and shown the love of God to all. She also explained Jake's picture, it was a captain on a ship with the Savior. She told me that his was because he was always the captain of our ship, a straight and steady course back to Heavenly Father. She showed me a sketch of a painting she was having commissioned for Brayden. It showed him, in his white coat, hands outstretched with an angelic woman above him. She explained how she had told the artist to do one of the Savior by his side, but the artist couldn't seem to get it right, no matter how she tried. She finally ended up with my mom as the angel and she knew that's how it was supposed to be. After explaining all the paintings, she told me where to find a necklace she had ordered for me. It was a necklace with both of our birth flowers- mine the lotus, hers the holly. Mine symbolized personal growth, and hers, strength (how fitting)! As she sat and explained all of this to me, we both sobbed, cried, held hands and hugged. I could see that it caused her not only emotional pain to cry but physical pain as well. I tried to hold myself together, it was hard seeing her in pain. Her tumor had grown so much so that she looked pregnant. It protruded from her tummy and made it difficult for her to wear pants. Her legs and feet were swollen and her skin was dry, thin and had a yellowish tint. Her hair was mostly gone. One of the first things I noticed that morning was how yellow the white's of her eyes were (signs of liver failure). My beautiful, angel mother looked very sick and the reality of her impending death was so heavy.
After those tender moments together, it was time to help her eat. She really didn't have much of an appetite at this point. She ate some cottage cheese and watermelon. After breakfast, her nurse came to shower her. She showed me how to do it. Mom was barely walking at this point. She had to use a walker to get around and everything that most people do with ease was very difficult for her. But she didn't complain. She smiled, she joked with the nurse, had beautiful manners... She was pleasant to be around, always saying please and thank you. She gave me opportunities to serve her. I massaged her hands and feet with her favorite lotion. I played the piano for her and read to her. Trina Clark babysat my boys that morning/afternoon so I could spend some quality time with her. That evening we celebrated Charlotte's birthday. She was really nervous to be around kids because she was scared of getting sick. So we celebrated Charlotte's birthday outside. We had pizza, ate cake and sung happy birthday. David and Joann were there because they had come earlier that day to say their goodbye's to mom. It was just such an emotional time but I was so grateful to be having such good time with mom. I was surprised with how "there" she was that day. She did rest quite a bit but it didn't seem like she slept much during the day. Looking back on it now I think she was giving this as a last, wonderful gift to me.
The next morning was pretty similar. I ran the kids to Logan (Moffat) Clay's house. Her mom, Gale was there and Gale's mom. They were so sweet and considerate of what was going on. Wednesday was another pretty good day. I helped mom eat. She wanted Mcdonald's for lunch so we got happy meals! She only took a few bites but it was better than nothing. More people came to visit and say their goodbyes. Each one seemed to take a toll on mom. After her friend Vela came to visit she told me that that was probably the last visitor. I helped her shower that day and helped her get dressed and ready. It was so hard to see her frail body, so ill. She still had a few shingles left so I had to help her cover those with bandages. Again, I was amazed at how alert she was that day. We even went outside for a walk. I pushed her in her wheelchair. The weather was beautiful, the fall leaves all changing color and not a cloud in the sky. Masen rode by us in 'gator' and almost backed up into mom! After that she even got her walker and walked around for a while outside. That evening after I had put the kids to bed we were getting ready to watch survivor. Mom was starting to feel the pain coming on and I could see how frustrated she was becoming. Her and Dad were starting to argue about what to do, what pills to take, etc. She broke down, saying that she couldn't make a choice and needed my dad to. Jake and Lily showed up right around this time, talk about perfect timing! That seemed to cheer her up a bit and she immediately asked for a blessing from dad and Jake. Jake blessed her that her time was not yet here but soon. He blessed her to find joy in the little things. He broke down in the middle of the blessing and right as he did, Lily, who was sitting next to me started crying. It was the sweetest thing ever. She has such a tender sprit! I went to sleep shortly after (or at least tried to). I was coming down with a cold and felt like I had a fever, which had me worried because I didn't want to get mom sick. During this time and for a week or so before I was having a really hard time falling to sleep. It took me a couple hours on average. I also lacked an appetite, usually only eating enough to keep me going throughout the day. I think I just had so much anxiety about what I knew was coming and what I had to do throughout the day.
Thursday when mom woke up we could tell that things were different. She never got out of bed except once to use the bathroom in the morning. From then on, she was bedridden. This is when I fully understood the phrase "deathbed". She was indeed on her deathbed. She was very tired that entire day and had difficulty even sitting up. We could tell that things were changing. Brayden was still in Omaha, trying to figure out how he could get there sooner. I texted her sister Jenny that day and told her that things had changed. Her breathing was different and she hadn't gotten out of bed or communicated much with us. Jenny came over quickly and spent the rest of the day there. Mom's brother, Mike also showed up that afternoon with his wife, Kathy. He said his goodbyes and stayed the rest of the day. It was a blessing to have them all there, because they took care of the kids so I could tend to mom. We all kind of took turns going in and out of her room. Her pain was increasing and her doctor Lenny came over to get her set up on her pain pump. It would administer drugs to her throughout the day through her port because she didn't have the strength to even swallow a pill. Lenny administered some drugs through her port while we were waiting for the pain pump to get set up at the pharmacy. She was in so much pain and had rolled to her side while Dad was holding her hand. She was hardly talking at this point but managed to tell Dad, even through her pain, "You are the best caregiver." I wasn't sure if everyone had heard it but it made me and Dad immediately weep. Here she was in agony, literally dying and she was giving compliments to her sweetheart. After the pain pump got set up she was immediately better, but the drugs also made her out of it. From here on out she only said a few words to us at a time. We got Brayden on Facetime and had a family prayer, which my Dad gave. We sobbed through it all. Uncle Mike came in and got a picture of us all on the bed, surrounding Mom, our last family picture. Brayden told her that she could go, that she didn't have to wait for him to get home. We all thought she wouldn't make it through the night, but she did.
We woke up Friday morning and things were pretty much the same. She hadn't moved from her bed at all. We had to put potty pads under her. She had peed and it had gotten on her dress. We tried to change her garments and that was an awful moment i'll never forget. She cried in pain as Dad was pulling them down her leg. We were being as gentle as possible but even that slight movement made her flinch in agony and cry out. It was so awful. We eventually had to cut off her dress because we couldn't figure out how to get it off of her and it was soiled. She seemed much more comfortable after that. We were on the phone with airlines for what felt like a huge part of the day trying to get Brayden's flight changed to that evening instead of Saturday morning. We finally got it figured out and he was set to arrive around midnight that evening. Sweet mom would find some energy to ask when Brayden would be there. It was as if she was holding out as long as she could for him to arrive. One time she asked Aunt Jenny how much longer and when Jenny told her, she said she wasn't sure she could do it. But she did. Brayden got in that night. I had gone to sleep and had asked someone to wake me up when he got there. We all gathered around her bedside as Dad gave her a blessing. She had completed her last sacrifice as our earthly mother in gathering her family by her side. I think we all thought she would pass that night but somehow she was still here when morning came. The rest of Saturday was such a blur for me, but I know I felt incredibly angry and sad all at once. It was excruciating to watch her suffer and "labor" to die. It seemed like such a an inevitable thing, so why did it have to be so long and painful? I'll never forget the way her shoulders heaved up and down to assist her lungs in breathing, or the way her mouth hung open and her arms flailed from her side, up to her face, as if like an infant- no longer in control of her limbs. At one point I had to get out of the house so I took Benjamin on a walk up and down Meadow Ridge Lane. I couldn't keep myself from sobbing. We stopped at the top of the hill and I sat on the bench. I poured my heart out to God and pleaded with him to stop her suffering and take her soon. He answered my prayer only a few hours later. I had just been in to sit with her (we were all rotating turns at that time) and was in the process of getting the boys reading for bed. I was changing Masen into pajamas when my dad came in the room. I knew immediately. He told me it had happened and Brayden was there. We hugged and then I ran to her bedroom. I could see it instantly that her spirit was not longer present. Brayden was laying next to her on the bed and Jacob at her side. We all sobbed. The grief was accompanied by a huge sense of relief. She finally was out of her broken body and at rest. I remember my Dad kneeling by her side, holding her hand and saying, "Everything we do from now on will be in honor of this perfect woman." I felt that too.
Only about ten minutes after she passed, my Grandma and Grandpa Jensen arrived. What a tender mercy that I don't know they will ever appreciate. It felt so good to hold my Grandma and sob into her comforting embrace. She was exactly the person I needed at that moment- the closest thing to a mother on earth. I sat next to her on the couch, with my head cuddled onto her shoulder as the funeral worker came inside to take her body away. Again, I felt relief when her body was removed. It was so hard to look at her "shell" in that way and I knew she would be taken care of. The rest of the evening is a blur. I remember changing the sheets on their bed. Dad decided to sleep upstairs and Grandma and Grandpa shared their bedroom.
In the following week, we prepared for her funeral. Friends and neighbors visited and offered their condolences.
