Wow, it's been ages since I've written in here! (Typical first line of journal entries!) I've felt moved to start documenting our lives again due to some recent events in the family. My mom's cancer is growing again and the past couple days have been tough as i've tried to process the information. It's hard not to be angry and to wish that things were different. I know it's not up to me though. All I can do is what I can do. I keep thinking about how my kids most likely won't get to know their Grandma Julie like I do, and that breaks me. I want to preserve her memory for my children. I want my boys to know who she was and to love her like I do, even if they may not get to make many memories with her. As I've pondered this I've also realized that I haven't done a great job at preserving my memories, my thoughts and feelings. If I were to die tomorrow, would my children know how much I love them? Would they have a record of our time together? Unfortunately I feel like that answer is no. And I need to do better. So this is where it starts.
To my boys,
Right now, Eli, you are 4 years old. It is May so you will be 5 very soon! You are so excited for your birthday this year and you love to tell everyone that your birthday is the fist day of summer. You think that it is getting warmer and warmer outside because your birthday is coming! I think you think that your birthday will be the hottest day of the year. You want a watermelon birthday party with hot wheel cars! You are the best big brother. We truly could not have asked for a better big brother to lead the other siblings. You are very concerned with doing what's right and often like to tell on Masen when he does something wrong! I ask you to help Benjamin with his binky probably 100x's a day and you never complain. You just do it! You really enjoyed preschool this year. You were so afraid to go on the first day and you cried while you hung on my leg. But you ended up loving it so much and you made so many friends! Your best friend was named Wiley. He was a year older than you and a little bit naughty. He taught you some potty words and you were just so flattered by him that you often came home talking the same way he does. All the other kids in your class loved you. One girl in particular, Grace told me she was going to marry you! I could tell that you didn't feel the same way, haha. She was often hanging on you and you hadn't quite learned how to assert your voice and ask her to stop, you would just slowly try to move out of her reach! Right now you're really into your toys. You love transformers, hot wheels, monster trucks and action figures. You and Masen entertain yourselves for hours every day! I am amazed with your imagination. You get in your own little world and you stay there. You guys love to play with water too. You'll ask me to fill up a bowl of water and put it outside so you can play with your toys in it. We don't have a backyard right now but you both love to play on the porch out front and make the best use of the space we have. You have challenged us in so many ways with your big feelings. You have such BIG feelings! You are very stubborn- if you don't want to do something, there is no convincing you. It has been challenging but I love that about you. You really didn't want to graduate preschool because you are very nervous about going to Kindergarten. On the morning of preschool graduation you refused to put on the right shoes. At first I thought you were just being difficult about the shoes, but then as I took a moment to think about it, I realized it was just your way of trying to avoid going to graduation so you wouldn't have to go to Kindergarten. I asked you if that was why you wouldn't wear the right shoes and you immediately started crying. I had to carry you to the car that morning and also carry you into preschool. You took your raccoon stuffed animal and your wonderful teacher carried you in. During the graduation ceremony you did not participate in any singing. You yawned through the entire thing! Your dad and I could not stop laughing. You were so cute in your little cap and gown and you told the audience that you want to be a doctor when you grow up! Uncle Brayden is in medical school right now and you think that if you are a doctor you can be with him! You love Uncle Brayden. Sometimes we think we should have named you Eli Brayden instead of Eli Blake, because you're so much like him. We got to spend quite a few months with Brayden last year at the start of 2020 because of COVID. Daddy had just graduated from college and didn't have a job yet so we stayed with my parents for a few months. Brayden was living there too as he was getting ready to go to medical school. Those months will always be cherished. We had a great time together. Eli, you are so so loved! I want you to always know how much I love you. You were my first baby. You made me a mommy.You introduced a kind of love to me that I never knew. You challenge me daily, but you are also shaping me into a better person. I love you, Eli!
Okay, Masen, you're up! Masen, I will never forget the day you came into the world. Your due date was October 30th. Auntie Bree was getting married in early November and we had already bought our plane tickets! We needed you to come out quickly so you could be old enough to go on the airplane. Well, you decided to make your entrance on the one day I had wished you wouldn't, Halloween! I was browning some ground beef for dinner around 4:30 when my water broke. I knew it immediately that that's what had happened. Brayden was home with me and Eli and my mom was at work. Dad was at work too. So I called everyone. Mom came home and drove me to the hospital while Uncle Brayden stayed home to watch Eli. Your daddy drove and met us at the hospital. I was already having some pretty strong contractions on the drive there. Your daddy had a wheelchair for me when we got to the hospital which I quickly told him I didn't need! They checked me into the hospital. I had a doula who came to help me labor, my aunt Jenny came to take pictures and I had also invited Brayden to come and witness the birth, since he had never seen one. I wanted to have you without medication. I had prepared during the entire pregnancy and was set on doing it naturally. It was easily the hardest thing I have every done, but it was also so magical to be so present with you in that moment. I labored for about six hours and you were born around 10:30 pm that night. You were instantly at peace when they set you on top of me, and so was I! Eli was able to come and see you pretty quickly after you were born. We were also able to make the trip to Alabama when you were only 10 days old to be at your Auntie Bree's wedding. Well, now you are two years old! And I should say that we are in the thick of your terrible two's. I'm not sure if it's due to the birth of your baby brother, Benjamin, but you have been extra naughty lately, which is not like you at all. Your first year of life was so blissful. You were the calm for me during the storm of Eli's terrible two's and three's! You were absolutely the best and easiest baby. You hardly ever cried, you took a bottle so easily and you were a great sleeper. Well I think you're making up for it now, because you're being extra hard lately. Just yesterday you tried to bite your baby brother's foot, for no reason at all! You especially love to terrorize Eli. You chase him, you punch him, you tackle him. He often yells, "I need space!!" and you yell back, "You don't!!" I really don't know how to discipline you. Nothing we do seems to bother you. You'll stand in time out for as long as we leave you there, not making a peep! You don't get upset being sent to your room and spankings don't work unless they're bare bottomed! This week you've started potty training. You're so much easier to potty train than Eli was. You've done pretty good and only have accidents when I'm not watching or when I'm feeding the baby.
I never got a chance to write about Benjamin, but it is October 24th, 2021, and you are 8 months old now! Oh Benny Ben! You are such a joy to your mother. You couldn't have come into my life at a more perfect time. You're a super easy-going, happy baby (if your needs are met)! You are a great eater. Recently you've been eating more table foods and you're enjoying every bit of it. You still love your bottles though. In the last month(ish) you've grown 2 teeth and you have one sprouting through! You've also started to try to crawl. You can rock back and forth and move from a sitting position but haven't quite figured out how to propel forward. Your brothers adore you. You also figured out how to wave and it's the cutest thing ever. I'm so glad you're an excellent sleeper. You've been sleeping through the night since you were about six months old and you still take two good naps during the day. You've never been a big fan of the car but you're usually ok if you have your binky. Everyone loves how chubby and happy you are. You smile at everyone, usually from behind your binky. You haven't said your first word yet but like to make cute little sounds.
1/21/2024
Eli, you are a big 2nd grader now!! Holy cow!! You will be turning 8 this year and that feels like such a huge milestone for you. You are excited to be getting baptized. I was worried for a long time that you wouldn't want to because you've always been scared of putting your face underwater, but last year you did an incredible job during swim lessons and you conquered that fear! You've conjured so many fears this past year and you're turning into a young man, right before my eyes. You've lost two teeth this last year and you have one that's so close to coming out! One of my absolute favorite things that you learned last year was how to read. It brings me so much joy to see you open a book and devour it so quickly. Right now you're into Dogman books! I can't wait to read the Harry Potter series together. Eli, you continue to be the absolute best big brother. I'm always so proud of you. You are the best with Drew, especially! You can pick him up and bring him to me. You're always willing to help me find his paci and you just adore him. It's so fun to watch. This last year you also tried flag football. You made so much improvement from the start of the season to the end and you made lots of friends too. Speaking of friends, your best friend right now is Tanner. He has been your first best friend and you have started having play dates without me! I had no idea how hard that would be for me, to let you go to your friend's house and I can't be there. But you have so much fun and I know it's part of you growing up and gaining your independence. Masen is so jealous, every time you get to go to Tanner's house and he begs to come. But the truth is, Masen thinks you are the very coolest person in the whole world. Eli, your little brothers look up to you so much! I hope you will always cherish them, and you can grow into adult best friends. I love you so much, Eli!
Masen, my little buddy!! Man, you drive me crazy but you also know how to pull on my heart strings! Mase, you have so much love in that little body and sometimes you just can't figure out how to get it out. You are obsessed with Drew and you want to carry him around and smother him in hugs and kisses. He gets quite tired of it, but you don't seem to notice! You started preschool at WC Handy this last year and you have your teachers wound around your little finger as well.
9/8/2024
Benjamin! My sweet, fiery boy! Oh if there's one word to describe you it is passionate. You are in many was a challenge to me, as you don't enjoy affection- either me giving it to you or you giving it to other people. You are as a rough and tough as they come. But I know deep down is a little soul that loves fiercely! Recently a struggle we have been having is you running away. You escaped in the YMCA parking lot and it took a few people to help me track you down. You are certainly mischievous! But you are always making me laugh and keeping me on my toes. You love to play "I fy" (I spy) and "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with me in the car. It's so fun to hear you try to pronounce things. Recently you've been struggling to go to nursery at church, which you never used to. I've actually enjoyed the rare show of affection that you give me in those moments! Today, you clung to me around my neck and cried because you didn't want to stay in nursery. I felt sad for you but really enjoyed the cuddles! You love to play with your big brothers (when they include you), and you love to go on walks and ride your balance bike. You are so fast! I'm sure you will be athletic someday and I can't wait to watch you play sports! You have so much push back in that little body and I hope you will learn to channel it as you get older and use to to stand up for what is right, and defend those that need protection. I love you, Bubb!
Oh, Drew-bee! You're just as sweet as they come, and by far my cuddliest baby. Heaven knew I needed you after your big brother Ben! You're little and sweet and just the light of my life! I love having you around. You are nearing 18 months right now and really coming into your personality. Your absolute favorite things are being outside and playing with balls! You also love our kitten, Shadow. You sit on the poor thing any time you get a chance but you're (almost) always sweet to him and he loves you back. The other day you and I were sitting on my bed and you were sitting on top of my belly. You got off, pulled my shirt up and started blowing on my belly. We were both giggling! You are such a clever and fun little boy. One of my favorite things about you is your compassion. You always notice when someone is feeling sad or hurt and you will come and lay your little body on them, pat their back and make them feel better. It's the sweetest thing ever! I love you so much Drew!!
